i wish there were pregnant emoticons
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
