non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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