when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
