just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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