so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
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