so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
