Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
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