this boner is exhausting
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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