he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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