True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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