she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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