good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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