I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
