so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
if only i could text you this smell
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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