i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I need a beard to bite.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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