It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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