Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Randomize
