I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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