Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I don't deserve a penis
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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