I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
