They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
