i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
