I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
