You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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