She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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