If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
