My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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