1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
