I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
