I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
