if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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