he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
