I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
