Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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