You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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