Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
