Michael Bay diarrhea
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
