I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
