dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
