She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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