I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize