I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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