yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You work out of a Hotel?
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i just google imaged poop.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
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