I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
