WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
