If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
