dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
