Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
