i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
