it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
