I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
