I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize