I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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