I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
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