Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
it was like eating out sand paper
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
