Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
