My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
