do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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