Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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