Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
