i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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