Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
