I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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