alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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